insecurities // a vulnerable post

      I grew up feeling very insecure about certain parts of my body and personality. I mean, who doesn't when you reach the age of puberty and again when you hit high school? My insecurities might've never been obvious to people, but they were always there and very haunting. I was cautious how I would dress or how I would act. Unfortunately, it really wasn't until the past year that I've really gotten to fully embrace and love every part of myself. I wish that I would have loved myself at 12 like I love myself now at 24.

     I'm so blessed to have a husband that has always poured into me and told me of my beauty since we were 18. He has never made me feel ugly or weird or not beautiful, ever. Elijah actively loves me when I have makeup on or when I don't. When I have hairy legs and an acne-filled face. When I wear sweatpants and messy buns. Basically, on my ugliest, my husband shows me love the exact same as if I was dressed for our wedding day. I'm so thankful for that. And yet, while he has loved me so well, it's not the same as me loving myself. So, it's a big deal for me to see myself how Elijah sees me. I hate that it's taken me 24 years to love myself fully, but it's better late than never, right?

     I decided to make this entire blog for myself mostly. While it is probably helpful for you, the reader, to see this and maybe it is encouraging for you personally. But this post is mostly for myself to see myself in the future, when I have a post-baby belly or when I'm 40 and my metabolism is shot, or when my physical appearance is not what it is now in my 20s. This is me being vulnerable to show myself that it's okay to have insecurities and that every part of my body is beautiful, including the parts that aren't normally considered "pretty"!

     A way I wanted to help myself see the beauty of my physical insecurities, is to have a self-portrait photoshoot. I didn't fix my hair; I didn't put on any makeup or skincare. I didn't even put in my contacts. I wore my comfy clothes and lounged around the house and had a tv show playing in the background while I set up the tripod and just took a bunch of photos. I decided to highlight my top body insecurities and instead of taking these photos and frowning upon them, I decided to write out the beautiful attributes of those insecurities. I was determined to see every insecurity in myself as a beautiful part of me.

1. Arm Hair

     My arm hair has always been very noticeable and when I would babysit in high school, the little kids would often mention it, which made me feel very uncomfortable. But! Arm hair is so normal. It's supposed to help regulate temperature. My arm hair is extra noticeable because of my hair color and my head hair has always been very strong and I've always had lots of it, so it only makes sense that I'd have a lot of arm hair too. It's normal and it's beautiful.

2. Tummy

     Wearing tighter clothes as I've gotten older and I'm no longer a size 2, has been very hard for me. But having a tummy is normal. It's me having a uterus, which is a normal organ in a female body. Seeing myself with a tummy reminds me that I eat yummy, good food every day. It reminds me that I have a uterus that will carry a baby into the world one day. 

3. Facial Acne

     Acne has covered my face a lot of my life since hitting puberty. And while I used to always cover it up with makeup and hide my face when I had major breakouts, I've stopped doing that. Why? Because acne is a normal part of life. Acne means a lot of different things, but it often has to do with what food you put in your body. And while I could probably eat better most of the time, if I get little red bumps on my face because I had fries and a Dr Pepper then who cares, really? I'm eating what I want because I have the freedom to, and that my body can handle it. I might have a gluten intolerance when I get older but I don't have one now so why not eat a burger or a lot of pasta? I'm living my life to the fullest and if I get acne in the meantime, then so be it. It's okay to have acne.

4. Stretch Marks

     The only stretch marks I knew of growing up, where the ones you would get from being pregnant. So, when I got stretch marks on my legs in high school, I immediately got very self-cautious of them. I thought it was an abnormal thing. I later found out that most stretch marks are hereditary, so I was bound to get them no matter what. Stretch marks are a sign of a healthy body. It means your body has undergone losing or gaining weight, which is a normal part of life. Fluctuating weight is normal. Stretch marks are okay. They're often seen as battle scars or remind you of a time of your life. They're physical representations of things you've endured as an individual. There's nothing to be ashamed of in stretch marks. They are beautiful.

5. Jawline

     I have a very distinct jawline. I've always had a more structured face shape, like a square or triangle. I always thought it was a sort of manly-shaped face. But it's a strong facial structure. A bold facial structure. My jawline displays my smile and laugh really well. My jaw helps me to do those things, things that I enjoy doing often. My jawline helps me to talk to people I love. My jaw helps me to give kisses to my husband and our future children. My jaw helps me to chew food, which is very important as well. A jawline is obviously crucial to living, and my jawline is normal. I'm still very feminine with a square facial structure. I'm okay with it.

6. Glasses

      I grew up hating my glasses because I thought I looked like a nerd with them. They made normal life harder because I would have to constantly pull them up from my face or wipe them if I encountered rain or humidity. I hated contacts too, and both are very inconvenient for daily living, but it was the cards in which my genes were given. And while I could live my life hating my glasses, I could stop and appreciate them instead. Corrective eyewear helps to enhance my life. It helps me to see the people I love and the things I love to do. It helps me to read, to watch television or movies. It helps me to drive. Glasses and contacts are an invention very amazing to the 21st century and I'm blessed to live in the day in age in which they are created. Otherwise, I would be living a very blurry world.

7. Thighs

     The first time that I sat down and realized that my thighs were twice as big as they were when I was standing up, I stopped looking down when I would sit. I would make sure to wear jeans and long dresses and anything to cover up my thighs, no matter what. But who cares? Thighs hold toddlers in the lap for story time. Thighs hold babies that need extra comfort after a long night. Thighs hold extra snacks during a movie at the theater. Thighs are normal.

8. Wavy Hair

     My mom has super curly hair and I was always jealous of it when I was younger. If only I could have curly hair too. My thoughts were very intrusive and selfish, which is not okay. I was always upset because I had wavy hair. Not straight, which all of my cousins had, and it was so beautiful. Not curly, which my mother had, which was also so very beautiful. I had the awful in-between. But! My hair holds a lot of texture and product. I can curl or straight my hair and it will hold all day. But also, wavy hair is beautiful too! It's different. It's not curly, it's not straight. It's both. Natural hair is beautiful and should always be celebrated. I used to put any type of heat on my hair almost daily. Curling iron, straightener, blow dryer, you name it. Now, I don't do anything. I let my hair do its thing and if it's too much, then I put it in a bun and call it a day.

9. Height

     I was always taller than most people my age, which was always awkward. I always wanted to wear high heels because they were beautiful and it made me feel like a princess, until I got around guys my age or even other girls and I was a whole head taller. It was embarrassing. Sandals and ballet flats became my best friends. But then I got older, and all our heights evened out, for the most part. I'm still on the taller side, but I'm also more average than I once was. But I have long legs and a longer torso. Who cares? Being tall has its advantages. I'm able to reach things on the top shelf. I can put sheets on the bed easier than most. I get a big portion of the couch to myself. I rarely have neck problems from looking up too much or down too much. I'm basically as tall as my husband so kisses and hugs are *chef's kiss*. My long legs mean that I can hurry down and upstairs when I'm running late. Stepstools aren't always necessary. Being tall is beautiful.

     I made these paragraphs for myself, but maybe it helps you too. Look at your deepest insecurities and find the beautiful parts of them. There's an advantage for every "fault" you see in yourself. I also wrote this as a reminder for myself when I have children one day. If I treat myself like crap, how will that show them how to treat themselves? Children learn by example from their parents, positively and negatively. What if we teach our daughters that we look beautiful without makeup and without having to "fix" your hair? What if we teach our sons that their height or body build doesn't define who they are inside? Let's show our children that we are kind and loving to ourselves, so they do the same.

Always,
Becca